Just a Mexican Living in a Ghetto
BY CARLOS GODINEZ
I Always Thought He Was A Cop.
A Real Cop.
The Polo Shirt. The Patch.
The Handcuffs.
The Squad Car.
He’d Take Me.
Take Me Often.
Red Lights, He’d Run.
Siren Blaring.
Lights flashing.
I’m Gonna
Put Your Brothers in Jail
He Said
If You Tell Anyone.
Anyone.
You’re Just a Mexican
Living in a Ghetto
Who’s Gonna Believe YOU?
A Mexican
Living In a Ghetto.
Dark It Was.
He’d Give Me A Ride Home
He Said.
I Was
Playing Football.
At PAL.
The Police Athletic League
He Wasn’t
WASN’T EVER
No Way in Hell
My Pal
His Name Was Uller
Rhymes with Ruler
Eric Uller.
White, Rich
Arrogant.
A Doctor
His Father Was.
He Didn’t Drive Me Home.
No.
He Took Me
To a Cemetery
In His Squad Car
I’m Only
Thirteen.
Thirteen I Am.
It Was Dark. Big Trees.
Why?
Why’d He Take Me.
To A Cemetery?
I’m Scared. Real Scared.
He Starts
Grabbing My Crotch.
Grabbing My Crotch.
Then He
Made Me
Jerk Him Off.
I Was Scared.
Didn’t Know What to Do.
Then He
Jerked Me Off.
Sucked My Cock.
He’s A Cop.
He Sucked My Cock.
Don’ Tell Anyone
He Said.
Who’s Gonna Believe You.
Who’s Gonna Believe YOU?
You’re Just a Mexican
Living in a Ghetto.
A Mexican
Living In a Ghetto.
Uller
Did A Number on Me.
Really Fucked Me Up.
I Always Thought
He Was A Cop.
A Real Cop.
The German Shepard.
The Unmarked Police Car.
I Come
from A Big Family
We All Lived
in
Two-Bedroom Apartment.
Two Bedrooms.
Santa Monica
The Pico Area
Santa Monica.
It Was So.
So Fucked Up.
I’m wondering
If I’m Gay?
Or Crazy?
I’m Embarrassed.
Scared.
Grossed Out.
Every Fuckin’ Emotion.
I Couldn’t Imagine
Couldn’t Ever Imagine
Anything Like That.
I Was Totally
into Sports.
I Had No
Sexual Experience.
None.
Nothing.
Before Uller
I Didn’t Talk
To Anyone.
About this.
It Made Me
Aggressive.
Fighting.
Always Fighting
I Wasn’t
Like That
Before.
I Never
Went Back
To PAL.
I Was Afraid.
Really Afraid.
What Uller Did to Me.
Fucked with.
Fucked with.
My Marriage.
I Never Told
My Wife.
Before Uller
I Adored Cops.
Even at PAL
Protect and Serve.
Protect and Serve.
I Wanted
Wanted
To Be A Cop.
I Looked Up
To Them.
I Grew Up
In A Ghetto.
My Neighborhood
Was Rough
Very Rough.
Drive Byes.
My Demeanor
Changed.
Changed.
My Whole Perspective on Life
Changed.
It Makes Me Angry
Still Pisses Me Off.
The Windows
Of His Squad Car
Were Tinted.
It Was Getting
Dark
I Was Scared.
So Fuckin’ Scared.
It Took Forever.
Time Stood Still
It Was
So Fucked Up.
I Went
To The Other Side.
Right Away.
Fighting
Angry
At Everyone.
Teachers, Parents.
I Was Really
Fucked Up.
They Kicked
Kicked
Me Out Of High School.
For Fighting.
I Slammed
A Teacher
To the Floor.
I Was Mad.
Mad.
Before Uller.
I Never Did Drugs.
I Was
Just A Kid
Having Fun.
A Cool Kid.
Looking Forward
To Being A Cop
After Uller.
I Was Embarrassed.
Confused.
I Tried Fighting.
Thinking About
Suicide
Didn’t Know Who
To Ask for Help.
It Fucks You Up.
In So Many Ways.
It Was
A Big Brick
A Big Brick
On My Back.
I Can Still
Feel His Vibe.
Even Now.
I Stopped Going
To PAL.
Stopped Going.
Why? My Dad Asked Me
Why?
Are You OK?
I Was Sacred
To Say Anything.
I Didn’t Want My Father
To Think Less of Me.
I Don’t Wish That
On Anyone.
Not Anyone.
Drugs Became
My Escape.
To Forget.
Become Numb.
I had So Much Hatred
So Much Hatred.
Uller
Turned My World
Upside Down.
I’ve Had A Rough Life.
Fights. Arrests.
Homeless.
I’m Still
Upset.
This Could’ve Been
Avoided.
They Should’ve
Known.
Police Should’ve Known.
It Was
Total Bullshit.
Total Bullshit It Was
Every Situation
I’m in Now
The Abuse Is there.
It’s Always There.
The By-Product
It’s Always There.
Last Time
The last time
I Was Arrested
They Put Me In the Hole.
Only A Week.
But It Seemed
Like Forever.
I Felt Like
Committing Suicide.
Again.
Don’ Tell Anyone
He Said.
Who’s Gonna Believe YOU?
You’re Just a Mexican
Living in a Ghetto.
A Mexican
In a Ghetto.
Carlos Godinez - “After the Eric Uller catastrophe, I dedicated myself to fighting - to unleash the rage I was feeling, and drugs - to obliterate the memories I had. The fallout was predictable. I went nowhere fast. A few notable jobs came my way; like MTV, for one. But for the most part, there’s been more misery, than not. Playing with words, and finding my voice, has been helpful.”
The City of Santa Monica, California, could face over 100 new payouts for sexual abuse of children under their watch, in what lawyers describe as the biggest compensation for a single predator case in history.
Former Santa Monica Police Department (SMPD) staffer Eric Uller molested scores of kids while volunteering at the Police Activities League (PAL), a non-profit for underprivileged youth, in the 1980s and 1990s.